Vicious Inquiry

How I feel? Like nothing is real. Tangible beliefs are disguised as deceit. Love is a manipulative bitch. Time is my enemy and Virginia is my nemesis. I stay on the run; fleeing from regret, or maybe just myself. I'm unequivocally, incorrigibly impossible to please. Will I ever just be? Get another degree, publish my books and find something true.

Work is an incessant nag, or a thorn in my side. Thanks for the check; time to pay this high ass rent.

I'm all alone, with no place to call "home". A lost wanderer on a dark,  ambivalent callous journey to ? Perhaps nowhere. I stare at my massive, vacuous room and regretfully wonder how I ended here. Hard, wearied footsteps expeditiously beating on the ground. Run. Run. Run. Go. Go. Go. Quicker up these enigmatic paths that quiver my being and stump my intelligence down . I am a ghost. I swear I've been here before. I erratically fled down this street of sweet catastrophe and beautiful hopeless wonder. A deceptive encore?

How I am feeling, you inquire? Like I'm losing my last bit of hope and my ambition is getting tired. My dreams are mean. Love is a scheme.  And I'm drowning in alcohol and sweet wine to placate the burning sting of love's loss 

And a once sweet lover's now deceitful dismissive toss

Seven years of my unadulterated, self-less love now despairingly lost...

In empty liquor bottles and multitudes of sleep-less tear-filled nights.

What am I to do when no one understands my broken-hearted plight?

I relentlessly cared but he no longer feared to  boldly dare and let go.

 Of our dreadfully prolonged union & strife-filled years of our fragile hearts' confusion. How could you go?

Don't you know that our precarious, ambiguous love is all I know? 

How am I supposed to move on just because you thoughtlessly moved on don't you know my love is a thousand years strong. How dare you go!

How I feel? Like I'm a joke and my heart is life's deceptive punch line.

Maybe God created me just to kill some precious time.

How the fuck I feel? Like my life is a gaping, fading, degrading hole that an escape route is impossible to find.

How the fuck I feel? Like Virginia cannot be fucking real. This onerous, heavy pain I couldn't have gained. This furious, indistinguishable  anger can't be mine. 

I'm exhausted of having a vision but walking aimlessly blind.

My endless, callous  strife can't be my mandated life.

God, help me! Being alive should not be such an unceremonious crime.

How the fuck I feel you inquire? Like I'm dying a slow, silent death and maybe my weakened soul is already dead. Waking up day after day I constantly dread.

But I'm afraid of death...

How I feel? Like nothing is real. Life is a bitch and Virginia is my nemesis. 

Promise Unforeseen

My heart is at war with my soul.

I’m yearning & dying on the inside every time I realize that I have lost the battle once more.

How can this be? We promised eternity, yet love manipulated we & now it is just me.

Helplessly lying on a cold floor, sobbing an endless river of a defeated goal to just be with the one 

who conceptually completes me & I he,

But what is left when he has left?

A void, vacuous hope for us to be complete as we, but the unrelenting grief on my chest

Refuses to allow my mind to be at rest

And freed from these falling memories

That promised us as we.

Grandma's House: A Family Demise (I took a trip home and saw things in a whole new light.)

Grandma’s house:  A family’s demise

The walls have caved in . There’s no hope or love within.

Only past hate, envy, and deception bear in

These walls

And ugly, dark , vacuous halls

that lead to nowhere

There’s  no

Pain relieved or  wondrous  reprieve.

 Only dreams  denied  and inevitably deceived

Can you see?

Invisible fingerprints of our loved ones who believed

That we would prevail at prosperity but the wandering demons

Reveal that we have failed .

Here, the air is filled with an acrid stench of lies, guilt, and family deceit

And astray, “holy”  souls who fell victim to defeat.

Disappointment levitates in the falling roof that bleeds

a  dying hope that encompasses your lungs and makes it impossible to breathe.

In every, almost inconspicuous  corner is proudly decorated with mold

The wooden  closed doors withhold an enraged silent truth dying to be told

If you sit still and listen Grandma’s remote prayer quietly echoes

“Hold on to my, chil’n, Lord,  don’t let’em  go.”

A trembling, cruel, cold

Is held captive in the once beauty-filled home, that now hurt resides and complacently unfolds.

A Potent, flailing, unattainable hope makes you choke

You better Hold your breath, this frigid place is contaminated

With unforeseen calamity and Stolen promises unabated.

We, the children, of a faithful, praying Mother’s dream

To cultivate a  virtuous family that dwell in  love and peace

Have deceptively contemplated to let adversity  be free.

In us.

Now, in her home,  these ominous, hate-filled  dying floors roar

Of ill-will, strife and blood-related war

And these, vengefully hungry insects soar

While the termites bite

Away away away at this dwelling until it disappears.

And the vintage, cracked, shattered, windows smear

The lonely ghosts mockingly sneer

You better not cry;  It is in here that sorrow and broken hearts are revered.

If you look closely,  the cracking tiles reveal Grandma’s disappointed tears

In us.

Through the small cracks  in  the weak ceiling the pain is wrathfully gained.

The  worn  furniture is painted with deceptive, permanent stains

If you walk the rooms the gruesome truth remains

Stolen pictures of faded memories of the horrid past, that will never be redeemed

Here, in this sorrow-filled  house, Love lived then impetuously committed suicide

On the very day that Grandma died.

But listen close, you hear her voice

‘'Love each other, chil’in things’ll get better by & by.”

Code Blue

(Everybody has a story. Some of them you just can't fathom. Or can you?)

A cold concrete floor inconspicuously laced with enraged demons of the past.
Unnameable insects that suck out the subtle spirit of hope out of your veins; invisible footprints of dying souls.
Souls lost to unconquerable drug use, vulgar alcoholism, insurmountable self-hate, a lost vision, or perhaps, a faith impeded by a man’s firm, determined fist.

This is it: The place where the hopeless complacently dwell and the faithless happily die.
This is their vision  manifesting; their easily attainable endeavor to be complacently trapped by these  cursed, fiercely judgmental walls listening to the ominous voices of a deterred mind conversing with itself. You hear it? Diligently talking back, holding a conversation of illusive and unabated delusion? 

These thin, uncaring walls harbor endless demons, unforgettable  skeletons, dreams sabotaged before your very eyes. Foes Un-forgiven. Murdered perhaps.

Women Lost determined to never be found.
Women with beautiful, strong minds  that are indefinitely and permanently misplaced.
They’re lost in the clouds or perhaps they  were simply  left at the place  of the mystery..
That one detrimental catastrophe that coerced them to kindly neglect the one thing they need to succeed: Their mind.

The air is thick with a tangible failure. Burdens. Self-Manipulation. Unfeasible beliefs. Stagnancy. And white drugs deceptively flowing up beautiful noses to the numb the sting of impregnable self-inflicted defeat of life itself.

Yes, I am here, breathing the same poisonous  air as these broken women with broken hope. These unbelievable  women who quickly forfeited life and dismissed chance. 

I close my eyes and see vividly that yes, I, myself am misplaced while lying here on an infested mat on a cold concrete floor, laced with hopeless dreams and invisible footprints of complacently dying souls.

This is Code Blue. Welcome.

Stagnant Perplexity

I feel pain. Not just physical, but a sickening emotional & mental ache


That coerces me to double over in self-doubt and dismay.

I am perplexed.

Dreadfully succumbed to a world of constant uncertainty & concrete regret.

My mind is over-loaded with unnecessary thoughts & limitations that force these stress-inflicted tears to angrily swim down my face.

I am misplaced.

Not where I want to be.

My dreams they lay, right beside me pleasantly & beautifully

placidly waiting for my touch..

But I cannot reach them.

They are intangible & seem more like vivid fantasies than a feasible reality.

How can this be?
 Two years in May I accomplished that one massive, life-changing goal that I relentlessly worked for, cried for, lost sleep for….

But yet, I have attained almost Nothing since that remarkable endeavor.

They say be Patient..

but does patience equate success?

Does restless waiting guarantee my bills being paid?

I ask, Lord what should I do?

I am Exasperated & Defeated.

Exhausted with selling myself endless dreams & diligently selling myself short.

BrOKeN

I am just a woman.


A lost, desperate soul

avidly searching

seeking. Hoping for something unfeasible

called Peace.

Prayers and cries

Tears lies

Strife. Where is the unattainable Placidity

I Pray and cry, stress and fast for.

I am just a child

I am lost in a chaotic vacuous place

called Life.

The pain in my chest

Profound and poignant

Erupting like a livid volcano

I know nothing

Nothing at all

My future is enigmatic.

The past hectic

The present is Hell

Confusion suffuses my

educated mind

Educated? I am smart

College never schooled me on

Life.
Black. Broke. Broken.


feeling defeated

A mother-less child.

A father-less girl.

They both are alive

but where are they amidst

My calamity

I am alone.

Basking in a horrid solitude

Help?

Someone reprieve this state of pain.

I am just Virginia

Lost. Broke,

Broken.Confused.

Blinded by hopelessness.

Season Gone

Today, I realized I miss you. Yesterday I missed you, but I refused to believe and acknowledge it. I feel lost. Alone. There's a gaping void in heart where our love used to be. Now, your'e gone..like the rain that comes & fails to leave any sign of it's existence. All I have is memories. Stacked in my head & refusing to leave..Love came. Love loved me. Love is gone. Now am all alone, hoping it will return like the seasons...