Vicious Inquiry

How I feel? Like nothing is real. Tangible beliefs are disguised as deceit. Love is a manipulative bitch. Time is my enemy and Virginia is my nemesis. I stay on the run; fleeing from regret, or maybe just myself. I'm unequivocally, incorrigibly impossible to please. Will I ever just be? Get another degree, publish my books and find something true.

Work is an incessant nag, or a thorn in my side. Thanks for the check; time to pay this high ass rent.

I'm all alone, with no place to call "home". A lost wanderer on a dark,  ambivalent callous journey to ? Perhaps nowhere. I stare at my massive, vacuous room and regretfully wonder how I ended here. Hard, wearied footsteps expeditiously beating on the ground. Run. Run. Run. Go. Go. Go. Quicker up these enigmatic paths that quiver my being and stump my intelligence down . I am a ghost. I swear I've been here before. I erratically fled down this street of sweet catastrophe and beautiful hopeless wonder. A deceptive encore?

How I am feeling, you inquire? Like I'm losing my last bit of hope and my ambition is getting tired. My dreams are mean. Love is a scheme.  And I'm drowning in alcohol and sweet wine to placate the burning sting of love's loss 

And a once sweet lover's now deceitful dismissive toss

Seven years of my unadulterated, self-less love now despairingly lost...

In empty liquor bottles and multitudes of sleep-less tear-filled nights.

What am I to do when no one understands my broken-hearted plight?

I relentlessly cared but he no longer feared to  boldly dare and let go.

 Of our dreadfully prolonged union & strife-filled years of our fragile hearts' confusion. How could you go?

Don't you know that our precarious, ambiguous love is all I know? 

How am I supposed to move on just because you thoughtlessly moved on don't you know my love is a thousand years strong. How dare you go!

How I feel? Like I'm a joke and my heart is life's deceptive punch line.

Maybe God created me just to kill some precious time.

How the fuck I feel? Like my life is a gaping, fading, degrading hole that an escape route is impossible to find.

How the fuck I feel? Like Virginia cannot be fucking real. This onerous, heavy pain I couldn't have gained. This furious, indistinguishable  anger can't be mine. 

I'm exhausted of having a vision but walking aimlessly blind.

My endless, callous  strife can't be my mandated life.

God, help me! Being alive should not be such an unceremonious crime.

How the fuck I feel you inquire? Like I'm dying a slow, silent death and maybe my weakened soul is already dead. Waking up day after day I constantly dread.

But I'm afraid of death...

How I feel? Like nothing is real. Life is a bitch and Virginia is my nemesis.