Mystery

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I remember him so clearly, he was a beauty. He sat in the back of the room, fourth row, fourth




seat to be exact. The first day I saw him, I admired him. He was different…the other students



would engage in the classroom conversations, he would just sit in the back and write notes. He



didn’t seem to communicate with the other students…He would sit there like a mystery that is



waiting to be discovered.



I remember when I first walked into the room and  began to call the names on the roster, I made



eye contact with him as soon as his name rolled off my tongue, “Amere Rashad”… That was the



first, but far from the last time that I looked into those mysterious gray eyes. Those eyes..they’re gray



in the daytime, but seem to darken at night..Those eyes…They pierce you…they seem to look



deep into you..Beyond the outside…Those eyes…They're Hypnotizing.



Oh how I loved to call his name everyday in my African American novel class, “Amere



Rashad”…it sounds so natural coming from my lips..Amere Rashad… for the first two weeks of



class he never said more than “here” after I called his name. Then it happened. I rushed back to



my office after having lunch with my colleague, Yvette. As I struggled to force the key into the



lock I heard a deep voice … “ Excuse me, Dr. West”, for a split second I felt paralyzed..I knew



it was him…those words ran through me and stimulated me…I felt like I was a high school girl



who realized that her crush had just came and said his first words to her..I wanted to run, but I



was overjoyed at the same time. “Hello”, I turned around hoping he didn’t notice the excitement



on my face. “Yes I was wondering if I could talk to you about the paper that’s due next week”



his voice..it was a mixture of baritone that seemed to sing into my ear. The moment my eyes



locked his..my vagina began to moisten..the same eyes that I would meet every day I called his name on the roster..The same



eyes that seemed to undress me every time he would glance at me in class. The glance would



turn into a stare, I could feel him staring at me as I went about giving my lecture. I admired him



everything from his smooth caramel complexion to the way he dressed. He was different…he



had a look of importance..a look of security.



“Sure I can talk to you, come in” I was able to mumble as I fumbled to unlock the door. I



put my bag down..and looked at the time 1: 59..my African American Women in Literature



class started in one minute, but hey I would never turn down an opportunity to gaze into those



mesmerizing eyes, I thought as I closed and locked the door. I wondered if he noticed that I



nervous.  My nervousness that transformed  from excitement to arousal  to just plain  lust in less than



thirty seconds. “ Yes ma’am, I have the guidelines for the paper, but I’m confused on where I



want to go with mine" He said as he gazed at me… my eyes drifted from his eyes to his



mouth…mmm…those lips they appear so full and soft… I found myself imagining them


kissing me sensually..my lips..my neck…my breast…and all the way down until they reached



their intended destination. “Well do you know which work you’re going to do your paper on?”



I asked as his eyes locked mine. It was almost as it we were reading each others' thoughts. I



saw his lust in his glare…his eyes locked within mine…they tranquilized me…he was doing



it again…undressing me...tasting me… Unique..Unique..he whispered as I straddled him in



my chair… “ssh… we can’t make too much noise”…but it felt so good… “ Amere Rashad” I



moaned.



My coffee fell from my hands …snap…back to reality. I was so involved in my sinful thoughts



I forgot to put the coffee down… how did I not put it down when I came in? “ I’ll help



you” he went and got some paper towels and wiped my clumsiness off the floor for me. From our talk about his



paper on Toni Morrison , I learned he was from Boston, he ended up here in DC by his father



convincing him to come to Howard, his mother lives in Crofton, Capricorn, twenty two years



old. He decided to become an English major because he loves to write. His favorite rapper



is Nas, he loves all types of music. And he was performing in downtown DC that Friday at



an open mic at a club called Vogue. Ironically, Yvette had asked me to join her to the same



event. “You should come”. “Yes Dr. Nelson asked me to join her, I will definitely be there”.



I lied to Yvette and told her that I had way too much work to do to go. It was only a half lie,



my intentions were that she would end up not going at all. My planned worked, she said that she



would just stay home and do some work herself.



As I looked in my closet I tried to find the most seductive outfit that I could. I found a cute



wool skirt and a shirt that showed my bosom. I looked in the mirror and added the final touches.



Fierce! My dreads were pinned up neatly and showed the beauty of my face, my skirt showed my



curves. My heart pounded as I stood outside the club. I knew he would be surprised to find me



alone. As the speaker introduced him , my heart skipped beats, “Amere Rashad”, I have no idea



what he performed… I was too busy wanting and hoping that he would notice me afterwards



and…and whatever happens …happens.



I was sitting at the table by myself enjoying my latte five minutes or so after he



performed… “You made it” his voice…so seductive. “Yes I did, Yvette decided not to come,



but I was on this side of town, so I said why not” I lied…a bad lie. “Well im glad you came,



you look nice” he states as he takes a seat beside me and eyes my chest. “Thank you, you were



great up there!” I honestly had no idea rather he was great or he embarrassed himself up there.



We talked for hours. Though it only seemed like minutes. Our chemistry was great, from how



we acted no one would’ve guessed that he was my student who was damn near ten years younger



then me. We had a vibe, we liked the same music, same movies, same books, novelist. Oh how



I wished that he would’ve taken me right then and there in the back of that club. But we had



something greater than physical sex, we had mental sex. In less than one week, he knew my



fears, my desires, my first name, my past, my secrets. I knew his fears, his goals, his love life.



He was single, he just got out of a serious relationship and was “chillin” for the most part. He



knew that I had been single for about two years now, my last relationship left me heartbroken.



Before we knew it two hours had passed by. “So what are you getting into for the rest of the



night?” he asked. “Not sure, I really don’t have plans”. He invited me to have dinner with him



at a restaurant about a mile away. After dinner and more great convo, I ended up at his place. He



had his own spot, a nice studio apartment.



It happened. My lustful thoughts became actuality. His eyes did more than undress me…his



hands did..his lips..mmm those lips...they made love to my body from head to toe. We made



more than love…we made music and our lust sang the sinful tune..I screamed his name in



ecstasy…Amere Amere….



We spent the whole weekend together. Our affection was repeated some fifteen maybe twenty



times. Reality…



Monday… I look in the mirror and I don’t see the same Unique West who vowed to never fall



in love again. Here I was ecstatic to see my Student in class…Maybe it didn’t register the first



night I envisioned him making love to me…He is my Student I am his teacher…and here I am



trying to decide what to wear because I knew he would be watching me. I spent all Sunday night



reflecting on my weekend. I didn’t get Any Work Done!!



Monday…he wasn’t in class. I called him he didn’t answer. Tuesday…I call..no



answer…Wednesday “Amere Rashad”….absent..call..no answer. This became a pattern for the



next two weeks. Until finally his name wasn’t on the roster. I asked other faculty members had



they heard of him..No one ever had. I found myself hurt, and disappointed. Hurt that someone



who I had shared my deepest secrets with and my body with could betray me..Leave without



a sign. Disappointed that I actually felt hurt…This wasn’t supposed to happen again…I even



dropped by his apartment one day…no one there… I asked a neighbor about him… “This place



has been vacant for about two months now”..this was two weeks after our encounter. It was



as if he never existed. So here I am in love with someone who I was beginning to feel never



existed… Am I going insane? The class didn’t remember him..No one did..but me.. So here I am



lost..im left with nothing but memories of a love affair that only lasted for a weekend before my



lover dropped off the face of the earth…



I miss his lips..kissing me ever so gently…his manhood..entering my love canal..and those



eyes…Those mysterious eyes...



Sometimes I lay here and envision him caressing me…his name escapes my lips, “Amere



Rashad”…if only all fantasies could come true.

Poetic Suicide

Do I need reason to exist?
Why must I have explanation for my impetuous decision to be who I am
to live free
But why do these cynical thoughts of a failed/ deferred goals imprison me
im Hindered. Lost. Like a soldier. Beaten. Wounded. Lost to Defeat.
There was a time when I was the soul driven by immoveable ambitions
I climb. I conquer. I believed In a Successful destiny.
Give up? Who? Never Me?
I am a Leader. A Believer. A dreamer.
I am the goat. Determined to climb to the top by any means.
The world on My Back. Digression On my  Feet.
But still I climb. I motivate. I never give up....
..But then I did Give up...
Adversity Intruded like a thief in the night...
Knocked me down.. Now i cant even rhyme right
My vision obscured...My thoughts altered..All i feel is Piercing strife...
Thoughts of suicide invade me. Why am I alive...
Sitting up at night with the knife by my side...
The pain stings as i begin to slice...i wont go to deep...
Might as well end it all.. My Demons lay awake whispering...
Daring Me to Commit the ultimate crime...Part of me wants to die...part is scared to die
I Pray. "God Where are You"?
...this cant be life...
Im tired of the strife.  I want to end it all..it just might be tonight

Love's Death

There comes a time when things Change...




People change, Even the weather Changes



In fact, so have I



It came in the Fall that the leaves transformed from their beautiful Green into A dark, weary Yellow & brown



In this time I was head over hills



I knew love for we spoke of love, BUT due to distance We never indulged in its bliss



Until the fall. I knew I was in love for though I had spoke of it before, i now I had love.



Every mornig I woke up in His arms. I fell asleep Safe & Content



Every time the sun rose I awakened to those dreamy eyes of Love.



We were inseparable. We ate together, Walked together, showered together, slept together, We even worked together…



Wherever I went, love was right there by my side..Encouraging me, hugging me, kissing me





Whenever there was adversity Love fought with me…He held my hand when I was down…assured me that things would get better…



We were Ideal.



BUT I guess we got too comfortable; for when the season changed & things became white, we turned COLD.



We argued a bit, we fell out A few times.



I thought we were through, you SAID you were THROUGH.



But somehow we survived the winter Storm and Landed back to the safety of our contentment.



We cuddled, we “boo-loved”, we were lazy, for the rest of the winter. ..You became my best friend again…



Then, in the spring when the leaves were alive again We Blossomed into something REAL.



We were authentic & the sublime times we shared validated the authenticity of our love.



There was no more “fairy tale” it was just routine…a good routine .

You were used to me, I was used to you.



Maybe we began to expect too much for we began to argue…then fight.



Maybe we were bored with routine. Maybe it wasn’t such a good thing after all.



I would provoke you, you would do the same.

I would cry, I would push, you would too.



I hit, you try to walk away, NOW im pissed….



I hit, you shove, I scratch, now you’re bruised…scratched.



I would get over it apparently, you couldn’t.



At times it bothered me, it terrified you.



So finally when the temperatures were sky high & the girls started wearing less clothing, yeu quit your full time job of a committed relationship…



I lost your attention. You came around but WE never did.

You said you still loved me, you refused to show it.



While your summer was consisting of sunny days and humid winds, mine was Bitter cold. Frigid. Lonely.



My heart was weak. Sorrow consumed me. I begged you to come back. You Refused. I promised I would Change. “No more fights, I won’t touch you…we Can work it out ” I pleaded…you wouldn’t listen.



I hurt…I was lost, you seemed fine



Finally, one mean, cruel hot day you said “we can try”…



Then SHE lied & fought against our renowned Love.



I held on, your love decreased. I refused to let go, you were confused.

It was a viscous battle between seasons. The hot summer days struggled with the blissful autumn nights.



Heartache vs. My fairy tale. Love vs. routine. Denial vs. Happiness



Right there at the end of August right in between Humidity and brown leaves love lost the battle.



It was a cruel war but it was over then…but we held on to love’s last breath..refusing to let go.



For four more seasons we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Made love. Hated Each other. Slept together. Cheated & lied with each other.



You left. I cried. You had her. I was mortified.



You came back. You left. I cried & now in the unpleasant Heat wave we’ve finally let go…



We let love die. Though it fought diligently for its life for an entire year…one day you unplugged the life support system… I cried.



Now, my summer is twice as dreadful, pregnant with Dismay & heartbreak.



I pray that One day Love will revive itself. It wont be the same love..not you and I, but me & another, you & she…



I pray that Love will spread it’s wings…maybe in the fall…maybe in the snowy winter or maybe four springs away…



But, for now, love all I can do is grieve your loss until the flowers bloom again& the rain falls & washes away my pain & my dreaded tears.



Oh love, were art thee? Why must you die? For now all I do is cry …wishing that you were still mine….